Kenny's 100th Day Celebration

In typical new mom fashion, I'm posting something like three months after the fact, because my blog is no longer my baby...  forgive me!  But I wanted to share about Kenny's 100th Day Celebration from back in May.

In Korea, a "baek-il" celebrates a baby turning 100 days old.  Before more modern times, infant mortality was pretty high, so people often didn't show off their new baby until it was a few months old.  That indicated it had a better chance of survival, having made it to the 100-day milestone.

Now, it's an opportunity for families to show off their baby and have a party!  In Korea, many people now throw huge parties  for the baek-il as well as the "dol", or 1st birthday party.  We do plan to throw Kenny a Korean-American style dol next year!

Since Kenny came early, my original plan to visit Indiana with him during my maternity leave wasn't possible.  That meant most of my extended family hadn't met him yet.  So we planned on having some "open house" hours at my parents' house for people to come visit.  Well, once Gigi (my Mom's grandmother name) figured out she could show off her first grandchild, suddenly this was a bigger deal!

One of the traditions at a baek-il is to offer ricecakes to 100 people, to bring longevity to the baby and good luck.  Since Kenny is 1/4 Korean, we thought that maybe something like cookies would be fun!  We handed out cookies at the party, and the leftovers came with me to work.  We gave away well over 100 cookies, all individually wrapped and decorated by Mom and me.

The day of the party, tons of family and friends came to visit, including Mom's coworkers.  It was nice to show off Kenny, who behaved pretty well!  He wasn't (and isn't) at the "stranger danger" age, so he was content to be passed around.

I was really happy that my Mom could share this Korean tradition with Kenny.  I feel like she sometimes held back with us when it came to her culture, so my sister and I grew up very much all-American, English-speaking kids.  Now that I'm older, I want to embrace more of my heritage; I embrace my father's side through the DAR and genealogy, and I'm finding ways to incorporate Korean culture and language into my life where I can.

P.S.  Kenny's 100th Day weekend was also my first Mother's Day weekend!  Kenny did a potholder project at daycare (let's be real... his teachers used his feet as a stamp!) for me, and Dan gifted me a digital photo frame for my desk at work, so I could rotate photos of Kenny all day while I work.  I look at it every day!

Adulting after Baby

As I mentioned in my pumping post, I feel completely unqualified to give advice on motherhood, because I've been doing it for just a few months.  But I'm more than willing to share what I've been going through as I've transitioned back to work, navigated motherhood, and more!  #adulting #momlife

Daycare
I put down a deposit at a daycare center near our apartment when I was 15 weeks pregnant; I hadn't even told my boss yet!  Where we live, if you don't act quickly, you get waitlisted and sometimes have to move from one center to another.  Ever the planner, I scheduled multiple daycare tours the same day that I had an OB/GYN appointment in the middle of the day, and I took a day off work so I wouldn't feel rushed or guilty about stepping away.

What did I look for in a daycare?  Honestly, I just went with my gut, and I only toured places where my coworkers have enrolled their own kids.  Most spots in our area are priced similarly.  I looked for happy babies, cleanliness, convenience to our home, and overall feeling.  I instantly fell in love with our daycare; I actually got a little teary-eyed in one of the infant rooms because it looked so sweet, and that's the same room Kenny is in today!

Nannies, family, and a stay-at-home parent are all options for childcare when one parent works.  But since we're a dual-working household with no family in-state, daycare or a nanny were our options.  I am so pleased with our daycare, as I can see that Kenny is cared for, stimulated, and learning... in just a few weeks we could see his development in positive ways!

Need more toys...

Babysitters
We don't live near family, so having them around for childcare is not an option.  There are apps and websites you can subscribe to in order to find a babysitter, but for me it was super easy... word of mouth!  My coworker gave me the contact info for FOUR of her babysitters, and I was able to look them up on Facebook because they were her friends there.  Having a bona fide recommendation and being able to put a face to a name really helped.  I wanted to attend my DAR meeting on an evening that Dan was at a work event, so I hired a babysitter for three hours.  She was wonderful, and she had no issues getting Kenny down to sleep.  If she had questions, she texted me.

While we've only used a babysitter once so far, just knowing it's an option gives us a feeling of independence and levity.  It costs a pretty penny, but sometimes it's worth calling for help!

Travel without Baby
I went on my first overnight trip for work, and it was smooth sailing!  I gave Dan a couple of weeks advance notice, so he could adjust his work schedule to handle both daycare dropoff and pickup.  Kenny was great, and they seemed to enjoy some quality bonding time!  Dan even sent a photo of them twinning in matching shirts.  I FaceTimed with them before Kenny's bedtime, and Dan made sure to send me plenty of pictures.  Our daycare also sends photos throughout the day, so honestly I didn't go more than a couple of hours without seeing or hearing my sweet baby.

While I was away, I didn't fret or cry... I let myself be me.  I saw old friends, took a hot shower, watched HGTV, and slept like a baby in a king-sized hotel bed.  I took my time getting ready and walked around.  Recharging my batteries like that was perfect, and when I got home, my happy guys were there to greet me.

Picture sent during my work overnight trip

Road Trip with Baby
We had a smooth first road trip with Kenny, 4.5 hours each way.  We chose to depart around Kenny's bedtime, putting him in PJs and feeding him before we hit the road.  He slept the entire way, even when we stopped once for a bathroom break, then slept the rest of the night once we arrived.  My parents already had a pack 'n' play at their house ready for him.  They also had toys and an activity mat (we'd received a second one as a gift) ready to go.  Mom has also picked up items at garage sales, like storage drawers for toys and a booster, so we have less to haul!

On both drives, one of us sat in the backseat in case Kenny woke up.  We had toys and other things ready for him, and on the return trip (which was in the daytime) we also had a bottle prepped so we could feed him while he was buckled in his seat.  We chose to leave when we saw Kenny getting sleepy after eating, and it worked; he woke up about 45 minutes from home.  So we stopped and fed him, and I kept him entertained.  It was smooth sailing, though I know it might be different once he is older and awake more!

Waking up to see Mommy

Friendship
I'm working on friendship.  I don't get to go to all of the happy hours and things I used to!  Mostly, text messages have been the best.  I tell my friends, leave me a message and I promise I'll text back, even if it's at 4am.  And that has sustained me thus far.  I do see my friends at work and DAR events, and even on maternity leave I'd tote Kenny along and meet for lunches.  I just can't do things at the drop of a hat anymore, and I've had to come to accept that.

Love
I think that Dan and I talk more now than ever, because sharing childcare responsibilities requires it!  I love that I don't have to ask him to do things.  If I'm playing with Kenny, he'll wash bottles for the next day.  If he's taking out the trash, he always checks the diaper pail.  We don't really have assignments for who does what, but it works... we ask one another what needs to get done, what Kenny needs for daycare the next day, whether his laundry needs done.  And since Kenny goes to sleep around 7-8pm, we can usually manage to stay awake at least an hour to talk to one another about our day or just stare at our adorable baby.

We try to do little things for one another.  Dan made sure my first Mother's Day was sweet.  And when I had a business lunch near Dan's work, I popped in and sat with him while he ate his lunch.  It was like 10 minutes, but it was 1-on-1 time and a nice surprise for him.

We also take advantage of our monthly visits with my parents, either when they come to us or when we go to them!  They always push us out the door for a date night, which is usually a nice sit-down dinner and a drink.  We've managed to have a date night once a month ever since Kenny was born, and it's something we intend to continue!  I used to worry about our marital happiness when it came to having a baby, because honestly children aren't always great for marriage (read the statistics!).  But we're really happy right now, and that makes it all easier.

This photo is unrelated to my content.  It's extraneous.

Self-Care
The thing that has helped the most in our daily routine?  Our daycare opens at 6:30am, which is about the time that Dan leaves home for work.  Initially I hesitated to have Dan drop Kenny off, because if I did it, Kenny would have an extra 60-90 minutes at home with me before my commute.  But then I realized, if Dan drops Kenny off, I have time in the morning to make myself breakfast, clean the house, get ready, even work out (once I get back on that horse).  My coworker, mother of four boys, told me, "Don't feel guilty about not getting that extra hour with him; all he was going to do was sit in a bouncer watching you get ready in the morning!"  And she's right.  Guilt absolved!

By having Dan drop Kenny off, and me picking him up, it not only allows us both a chance to interact with his daycare providers, but a chance for me to take care of myself and our home so there isn't as much to do in the evening.  I don't feel like a hot mess at work, and I have more energy for Kenny when I get him at the end of the day, because I've already done dishes, vacuumed, or whatever.  I can also really take my time getting Kenny ready in the morning while Dan gets ready, because I'm relaxed in my pajamas and focused solely on him.

Emotions
I honestly didn't have very much trouble taking Kenny to daycare, leaving him with a sitter, even going away for an overnight.  I didn't cry, but I did miss him.  The hardest part about going back to work was getting used to staring at a computer screen all day and feeling tired after using my brain all day!  I felt like I got a personal boost once I had help with Kenny's childcare, because suddenly I had more freedom to grab lunch, go shopping, run errands, cook, clean, etc. in my spare moments.  It also makes me feel more motivated to do things with him on the weekends.  I do think it helped that I put Kenny in daycare on a Monday, but started work on that Thursday.  It gave me a few days to pick him up early if I wanted/get prepared for work.  It also meant I only had to survive two days in the office before a weekend break.  I highly recommend it!

Final Thoughts

My sister called me the other day, simply to tell me she was proud of me for the mother I've become.  I think she really expected me to be full-on obsessive and rigid as a parent, because I've always been such a planned and calculated person.  But she said she can tell Kenny is thriving, and that we're doing well with him.  It felt like the best thing I could have heard at that moment in time.  I know that babies can internalize how we are feeling, and even sense when we enter the room.  And I want positive energy only for Kenny, because he's going to battle sickness, teething, growth spurts, and more.  Adulting is hard, and parenting makes it harder.  But we're finding our groove and keeping on!

Back to Work: Pumping after Maternity Leave

I have been back to work (with Kenny in daycare) for nearly a month now, which is hard to believe!  Since I've had a few people ask me about pumping as a working mother, I figured it merited a blog post.  Caveat: I'm a first-time Mom who feels completely unqualified to offer advice to anyone on motherhood, but I am willing to share what has worked for me!

I'm very much of the attitude that a fed, healthy baby is the most important thing, so I keep formula samples that we get in the mail just in case.  We used two bottles' worth while I was hospitalized for preeclampsia, but other than that Kenny has been exclusively breastfed.  My original goal was nursing for three months, with a hopeful goal of six months.

Before Kenny was born, I ordered a free breastpump via my health insurance.  I chose the Spectra S2, a closed system pump, based on reviews and recommendations.  During maternity leave, I would mostly use a silicone hand pump on my nightstand to relieve engorgement.  Any milk that I saved, we'd use in an occasional bottle for Kenny when we were out and about.  We figured it was good practice for him.  As work began to approach, I would try to do a morning and evening pumping session to build up a stash for daycare ahead of going back to work.

My pumps, my pumps my pumps my pumps... check it out

Before I went back to work, my Mom and I helped Kenny "rehearse" for daycare by bottle feeding during the day for four days.  This accomplished two goals: training him to accept the bottle repeatedly and determining how much he eats.  The tough part of nursing on demand means you aren't on a consistent schedule or counting ounces like they do at daycare.  But we were able to estimate what I needed to pump and have in each bottle based on those few days!

Now that I've been back at work for a few weeks, I'm averaging 3-4 pumping sessions during the work day.  Sometimes my first session is at home before I leave.  I find I really need to maximize that first session, because my supply is best in the morning.

I also bought a barely used Spectra S1 rechargeable pump via Facebook Marketplace, because keeping one pump at work and one at home for home/travel minimizes the amount of stuff I have to haul on my commute.  Since Spectras are closed system, I feel confident that there isn't a risk of contamination after sterilizing the parts, but you should be careful when purchasing used pumps.

Checking In

You guys, there's so much I could write, but we all know I've sucked at keeping up this blog for the past few months as I've been throwing myself headfirst into motherhood and getting back to my corporate gig.  Yikes, it's been a while...  this space used to be my escape and release in a way, a creative outlet.  Now, I don't get here as often because it's usually easier to wax philosophical on Instagram while I'm pumping...

I love my tiny human.  Kenny is a good baby, and we're in a blissful period where we're sleeping a bit more and enjoying lots of smiles and giggles.  It seems like every time we get something figured out, it changes; babies are 100% a moving target!  But it's fulfilling, and it sort of feels like he's been with us forever.

I've definitely had to say no to more things...  after-work fun, local influencer events, blog opportunities, etc.  I'm exhausted each and every day!  But I did manage to page at our DAR state conference by having Mom stay at the hotel with the baby.  We've also survived a few weeks of daycare, an evening with a non-family babysitter, an overnight work trip away, a week of solo parenting, and a road trip.  Whew!  That's a lot for a little guy who's only been out here breathing oxygen for a few months.  So I think that what's happening in non-essential stuff is eliminated from the calendar, and the stuff I really want and prioritize is making the cut.  That's not a bad place to be.

I'm also "graduating" from regular therapy!  I started using Talkspace over a year ago, because I was stressed out and struggling.  Dan and I were having conflicts about trying to conceive (it can put a lot of strain on a marriage!), I was overweight and overeating, I was navigating work and personal relationships, and I needed an objective ear that wasn't my friends.  Having a therapist in my phone to text or video chat with helped so much.  I went from a monthly video chat and 5x weekly texts to just texts, then to a few times a week, then to once a week texts.  Now, I don't feel like I need the sessions anymore, and my therapist supports me stepping back until I know I need help again.  I made sure I had support from that point, through pregnancy nerves, to those initial baby blues, to my transition back to work, and I couldn't be prouder or happier that I feel so much better now than I have in so long!

I've made sure to do some things for myself since Kenny was born.  I'm still active in the DAR, which I love!  I've gone to Happy Hours (just not 2-3 a week like the old days).  I've gone to Target after the baby is asleep to walk around.  I've worked on my scrapbooks and photo books.  And now I'm taking some time to reconnect with this blog, as I've got a bunch of stuff on my mind that people might find useful or interesting to read!

I have a few posts I'm thinking through, including my latest Stitch Fix recap, my experience going back to work (and pumping!), favorite baby things, and Kenny's 100 Days party/my first Mother's Day!  Hopefully I'll get around to those now that I'm tackling my to-do list to an extent.  But the desire to write has to be > the desire to sleep, and I have to have showered.  Because sometimes you just have to go into survival mode, and put yourself back together when you can.

Nursery Tour

When we found out I was pregnant, we decided that rather than moving to a larger home, we'd stay in our 2BR 2BA apartment.  We have plenty of space (1200 sq ft!), so we felt like it would be better to stay put and save money for now.  That said, with all of our family out of state, we wanted our 2nd bedroom to be a dedicated guest room for extended grandparent visits.  So we decided to share one walk-in closet in our bedroom and turn the other into our nursery.

I've had a lot of friends curious about our "closet nursery" so I decided to share it here.  That said, it's not going to be one of those lifestyle photo shoots, just a completely functional peek into our life with baby!

Outside of the nursery, on my side of the bed, we added a rocker, my Christmas gift from my mother-in-law.  We got it via Amazon, carefully looking for a smaller rocker that would fit that specific space.  We also got a ton of baby books from folks too, which wouldn't fit in the over-door hanging storage I got.  So the wall above the rocker became a baby book nook with display shelves, and the over-door hanging bins became storage for stuffed animals.

Inside the nursery, we were fortunate to have a great space and some closet shelving to work with.  For obvious reasons, we kept the shelves above the crib empty, but I felt confident in the strength of the shelves to store diapers above our changing table.  After all, baby isn't to be unattended on the changing table!  We also love having everything we need for the baby in one main spot, organized so we know where to reach even when we're tired.  Kenny loves the mobile above the changing table too.

Since I took these photos, I've filled up the bottom clothing rack with 3-6 month clothes!

We also chose a mini crib because of the space, and Kenny sleeps in it every night!  It's shorter than a full size crib, and about four inches less wide.  The space is the size of a pack 'n' play basically.

We've also got baby "stuff" in other areas of the apartment, but we try our best not to let it take over the whole space!  I think that once Kenny is bigger, that will be tougher... but for now, it's not so bad!  We have a mini dishwashing/drying station by the kitchen sink.

In the living room, we have two bins under the coffee table that hold books and toys that we use for the day.  We also have a little foldable swing and Kenny's activity mat.  Usually there is a bunch of baby stuff on the coffee table during the day, but by creating designated spots for baby stuff we have managed to keep it pretty tidy in general.

In addition, because I was craving natural sunlight, Dan put privacy film on the lower 2/3 of our patio windows, so I can see clearly outside when standing but be hidden when I'm sitting on the sofas nursing.  Since we're on the first floor facing the parking lot, I really appreciate the privacy, and Kenny and I get good natural lighting all day.

So there you have it!  That's how baby has changed our apartment, and how we created a nursery in our closet.  We like having Kenny "in" our room, so our family can stay in the other bedroom and visit us as often as possible.  I'm sure once he is mobile and getting into things, we will have to childproof and adapt, but for the past couple of months it has worked for us.

Kenny's Birth Story

A month ago (wow!), I gave birth to our first child, Kenny.  Considering that his due date was just a week ago, it was a roller coaster ride to be sure.  I finally found a few minutes, jotting notes here and there over the past month, to share the story here.

I'd gone to my OB for my regular weekly appointment at 37 weeks, expecting a normal visit, but my preeclampsia symptoms (which began around 35 weeks) were getting worse.  I was carrying a ton of water weight, my blood pressure was going up, and I had protein in my urine.  My doctor ordered additional labwork to be run that day, telling me I needed to put my feet up from now until the baby was born.  So I headed back to the office, let everyone know I'd be working from home for a while, then headed to dinner with my friends.  I had a blast with them, and then afterwards I was sitting on the couch at home eating a candy bar when the on-call doctor phoned.  They told me that I needed to come to the hospital for induction that night.  Dan wasn't even done with work yet; I had to call him to tell him to come home.  I was shaking!

Photographic proof that I was out with my friends P & M that night, not knowing I'd be heading to the hospital

We arrived at the hospital late on January 30th for me to have medicine placed to prepare my cervix.  I guess my preparedness paid off in some ways...  I already had my bag packed in the car, with a copy of my hospital pre-admission paperwork and everything we needed ready to go.  We also had the carseat installed and inspected the weekend prior!

The next morning, my water broke on its own.  I was coming back to bed from the bathroom, and it just happened.  I wasn't exactly sure if I was correct about it, but the nurses confirmed what it was.  It was such a crazy sensation!

At about 10 a.m., we started the medicine pitocin to induce delivery.  I made quick progress with dilation over the course of the day, and I remember being hungry (of course LOL).  I remember the joy I felt when I was given a popsicle, and I was so glad that I ate a big meal with my friends the night before!  My contractions kept getting stronger and stronger, to the point I was ready for my epidural.  Oh boy, I loved that epidural!  Meanwhile, my parents drove down from Indiana and arrived around 3 p.m.

By 5:30 p.m., I was prepared to push.  Dan and my mom were on my left side to support me during delivery.  Pushing with the epidural was definitely challenging in a way... As a first-timer, I didn't know what I was doing, or what was productive, and I needed a nurse coaching me on when a contraction was coming.  But my doctor and nurses were so great, and I got the hang of things in the end.  After an hour of pushing, our Kenny was born!  He cried right away (I heard him before I saw him), and they placed him on my chest, goo and all.

I remember crying.  I remember my Mom was crying, and that Dan cut the umbilical cord.  I think my first reaction upon seeing Kenny was just surprise...  did I really have that little guy inside me all this time?  (That's what she said... LOL)  But seriously, I couldn't believe that this little person was ours, and that he had such a sweet face.  It was all such a blur.  Our hospital really emphasizes skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding, and within his first hour of life I was nursing him for the first time.

This photo is my everything!

The hospital cafeteria was closed by the time I was allowed to eat, so Dad and Dan went and got me some Steak 'n' Shake.  Dan fed me chicken tenders while I lay in bed.  It was the best-tasting chicken ever given the circumstances.

Kenny was born on a Wednesday, so we moved to a recovery room and spent that night and Thursday night in the hospital.  Dan stayed in the room with me, and we had our first sleepless nights with a newborn.  We had no idea what we were doing, and it was scary even just picking him up.  Were we doing it right?  Clueless.  Fortunately the nursery nurses were amazing.  We had some coaching on breastfeeding from a lactation consultant, Kenny got checked out by a pediatrician, and I got checked out by a doctor from my OB's office.  A photographer came by too, so we have some precious photos of Kenny from when he was less than 24 hours old!

By Friday, my preeclampsia symptoms seemed to have subsided, and we were discharged to go home.  But the story doesn't end there.

On Saturday, I wasn't feeling great, but I figured that was normal after giving birth.  I had a headache that wouldn't go away, and I was seeing sparkly "floaters" in my vision.  Dan went to work that day for his brewery's anniversary party, and I remember thinking that maybe I was tired and dehydrated from being up at night with a newborn.  But then I recalled the symptoms of preeclampsia that my doctor had repeated to me over and over...  so I told Dan to bring home a Gatorade and a blood pressure cuff from Walgreens, so we could see what was up. When we took my blood pressure, twice, it was through the roof.

Everything became a blur.  My parents were staying with us, and my Mom was going to be with us for a couple of weeks.  We knew that I needed to get to the ER, since my doctor's office was closed.  So we left the baby with my parents (thankfully I had saved formula samples in the pantry!) and went to the hospital immediately.  We knew we made the right call by the way the ER personnel acted when I arrived.  In fact, the ER doctor told Dan (while I was out of the room) that if we hadn't known to come in, I could have ended up having seizures and in a coma!  I was admitted to the hospital for preeclampsia and spent 24 hours on magnesium treatment, then another night for observation.

Those two nights in the hospital were gut-wrenching.  I was not allowed out of bed except for the nurse to take me to the bathroom, and the treatment made me feel terrible.  In addition, because Kenny had been discharged from the hospital, he couldn't go back into the nursery, so having him room with me at the hospital (not to mention the terrible flu season) felt risky.  Not to mention I was being checked every hour, on the hour, by nurses.  Instead, he stayed home with Dan and my parents, and I got familiar with the hospital's breast pump.  I didn't see him from Saturday night until Monday afternoon.  Not being able to control anything, I set an alarm for every three hours to pump milk for Kenny.  I'm so glad that I did, because my milk came in while I was there!  The nurses stored it for me in the NICU fridge, and Dan would come back and forth (we live three miles away) to bring home food for our son.

I took these photos while I was in the hospital for the 2nd time, to commemorate my misery.

I cried and cried every night being away from the baby.  It was so hard, even though I know I made the right call at the time!  In some ways, if you look for silver linings, I got some reassurance out of it.  I learned that I could survive being separated from my baby (as tough as it was), and Dan got the experience of being a full-time caregiver in a way most new fathers don't get right away.  He had two nights to bond with that baby, which made me feel better.  I also learned that Kenny was fine with formula (and later breastmilk) from a bottle.  He was nourished, and I didn't have to worry about that.  Lastly, I learned that I have to take care of my own well-being to be able to take care of my baby.  The hospital stay allowed me to rest (somewhat) and recuperate fully so I could go home to my baby.  Kenny was thriving, so I couldn't let myself feel any guilt over how things happened.

Once I got home on Monday, I did notice that my "baby blues" hit in the evenings, and that I was experiencing anxiety related to our health.  Every time I had a headache or something, I was worried I was going to end up back in the hospital.  Every time anything happened with Kenny that I wasn't sure was normal, I was suddenly paralyzed with fear that he was going to overheat or starve or stop breathing or be sick.  In hindsight, I think that my feelings were very normal, but that second week post-partum (let's face it, my first week was a hospital stay) was definitely tough.  Thank goodness my Mom was there to help me through it, and that Dan was so great throughout.  Once my doctor reassured me that I was out of the woods for preeclampsia, my anxiety subsided.

So there you have it!  Kenny's birth story, plus my bonus hospital stay.  A month later, I definitely feel recovered from delivery and preeclampsia, and now I'm full-on in newborn land.  It's a whole new level of exhausting, but ultimately everything I've been through has been worth it!

I mean, look at this guy...  :)

Maternity Photos

I wanted to get some photos with Dan before the baby came, so of course we called upon our talented friend Steve Cross to take them for us!  Steve shot our engagement photos and wedding photos, all in Franklin, so it was only fitting to head back to the park at Harlinsdale Farm where Dan and I got married in 2015 to take some pictures.

I did my own hair and makeup, which is not my forte, but in the end I think that it made it just that much more natural and authentic.  I was 36 weeks pregnant, so baby was moving quite a bit during the shoot!  It felt like our first family portrait with him, in a way.

You may recognize the barn area from our wedding photos if you've been around this blog for a while.  It was kind of magical to stand where we said our vows and think about how our relationship and family have evolved.

There's going to be lots more baby stuff on this blog, I imagine.  It's hard not to be consumed by it when you're largely pregnant or about to dedicate so much of your time to caring for someone else.  But I'm hoping that this blog and our family continue to be authentic and natural, always Aubrey as my blog title says.

Pregnancy: Things I've Learned These 9 Months

So... my baby was born on January 31st, and I never posted this!  Here you go... promise to come back later with maternity photos, baby birth story, and more.

At my last general pregnancy check-in here on the blog, I'd made it 7 months... and now I'm past 9 months, and I have a few more notes to share!  Honestly, if I had to sum up my pregnancy, Weeks 0-20 felt like this endless nauseous, heartburn-filled saga of exhaustion.  Weeks 20-37 have been more relatively easy, though I'm at the point I'm starting to get uncomfortable.  I feel like this is the complete opposite experience from what some women go through.  It's crazy how every pregnancy is so completely different for everyone!

Attending my company holiday party

My favorite pregnancy app has been The Bump (free), though there are a lot of similar apps out there.  I liked that each week I could read up on baby's development but also what symptoms I could expect for myself or changes in my own body.  I think that it's the kind of thing you only use during your first pregnancy (kind of like reading pregnancy books, if you're into that like I was!) but for us it was useful.  Dan downloaded it to his own phone, so it was nice because he kind of felt connected to how the baby was doing and also informed him of some of the things he might observe in my behavior or health.

My favorite photo app has been Little Nugget (not free), which will also be useful once baby arrives.  I feel like the stickers are on trend and plentiful once you buy it, and I found that I liked it more than using my letterboard or something else.  It keeps things at your fingertips, and you can customize colors and whatnot!

My least favorite pregnancy symptom, aside from the pregnancy nausea last year, has been swelling.  CANKLES.  In my 35th week, I ballooned up in weight, and it was almost entirely in my feet, legs, and hands from water retention and swelling.  Most of my shoes don't fit!  We had to keep an eye on my symptoms in case preeclampsia became a risk, which was nerve-wracking for me.  I did find my compression socks (with cute cats of course) were helpful, as was elevating my feet whenever I could.

Sausage feet stuffed into socks

My favorite maternity clothes were either non-maternity (like my Three Bears Company pieces), Target maternity solid-colored dresses and tops from my Mom, and a handful of maternity pieces I got via Stitch Fix.   I got a lot of compliments on my Dwell & Slumber pieces too, but I found that as the weather cooled off I got a lot more wear out of mixing solid layers and leggings with dresses.  (I found the Dwell & Slumber pieces harder to layer because of the way the caftan sleeves bunched up for me.)  I wore a lot of non-maternity stuff the entire time, using leggings and maternity camisoles to make them work.

The Stitch Fix pieces I kept

My maternity clothing fails were Le Tote for Maternity (I just didn't like the fit of what I ended up with, so I cancelled), maternity jeans and pants that weren't ponte or leggings (like a bad tube top, I kept having to pull them up), and buying tops with a distinctive print.  The two print tops I had, I felt like I couldn't wear them as often as solid colored pieces, which could be mixed and matched more often.  That's why I recommend solids, because you can wear the same stuff every week and just remix it like a capsule wardrobe.

What else have I learned since my last post?

I still stand by a lot of what I wrote a couple of months ago.  Pregnancy is still gross.  And you still have to surrender, even more as you get bigger and rounder and more exhausted.

Other thoughts...  Nesting is real, and I love it.  People love to talk about pregnancy and be super nice to you.   People love babies and will surprise you with gifts.  Sometimes I cried for stupid reasons, like because I felt too tired and swollen to go out with my girlfriends one night, or because my laundry basket was too heavy.  Hormones!

One thing I've grappled with overall is just fear...  I've never been hospitalized, and I've never had major surgery.  So yeah, childbirth feels scary.  And not knowing when it's going to happen?  That's scary too.  But now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, the level of discomfort that I feel plus the excitement of meeting my baby is starting to outpace the fear.  I think a little fear is natural, but it definitely feels like it's going to be worth it!

Lastly, I'm trying to be kind to myself.  I think a lot of women beat themselves up over things related to childbirth, breastfeeding, motherhood, etc.  I hate seeing wonderful mothers do that.  So while I know I'll have those moments, I'm still going to try to focus on not having crazy expectations of how things are going to go.

Here's hoping these last weeks of pregnancy are healthy and happy as can be!

Pregnancy: Things I've Learned in My First 7 Months

I'm officially in my 3rd trimester of this first-ever pregnancy, and it has been an adventure.  I mean, first off, nobody tells you (or most don't) how gross it is in general, including much of that first trimester feeling like a hangover or flu hit you.  Or how much it sucks when you catch a cold and can't take much to help it.  Or how your body is gonna change beyond the iconic "I'm a goddess with a bump" ways.

Our pregnancy announcement

Some women just love being pregnant.  Some women are more forthcoming with info than others too.  I think you need to find some close friends who aren't going to sugarcoat things for you, otherwise you start Googling things about your boobs and pray that your browser history doesn't incriminate you in the future.  (P.S. As much as I dislike Jenny McCarthy's pseudoscience influence on the world, her old book Belly Laughs is probably one of the most honest, funny accounts I've read of pregnancy to date.)


Here are a few things I've learned along the way, from the perspective of a first-timer...

• Surrender now, versus later.  This is something I've done somewhat unwillingly as I'm a "planner" at heart, but it's just the reality I've come to accept.  I have had to surrender to the idea that I have no idea what I'm in for as a first-time Mom.  Every person has a different pregnancy, birth, and parenting experience.
• When people ask me about my birth plan, I tell them, "I want a healthy baby to exit my body.  I have my personal preferences as to how I'd like it to go, but I'm not married to them so long as I get that healthy baby to exit my body, which is childbirth no matter what happens."  I'm the same way about my breastfeeding/nursing plan.  I'm going to do my best to keep that baby healthy and fed and see how it all goes.  No set expectations.
• Bad, scary things can happen at any time.  I held off posting photos or nursery prepping for a while, because we know people who've miscarried, had stillbirths, post-partum infant loss, etc.  But then I realized, I need to surrender these fears so I can feel a little joy about this baby!  This is only my second pregnancy blog post, believe it or not!
• It was actually hard for me to surrender a little of my independence, like not being able to reach into the washer to get things anymore, or lift things and carry stuff, etc.  My old Army attitude of, "Let me carry my own weight!" really kicked in.  But now I see I have some physical limitations and need to just let people help me.  It's kind of nice, even though it makes me feel a bit helpless.

• Keep the advice you want, release the advice you don't.  This is paraphrased advice that my grandmother gave to women in my family, and I think it's what she would tell me today too.  Certainly be a sponge and absorb as much as possible, but like I posted earlier in my "getting pregnant" post, you're going to get tons of conflicting, often unsolicited, advice.
• One incident that stands out in my mind was when I posted a photo of Dan assembling our crib on my personal Facebook.  Many of the comments and texts/feedback I received were along the lines of:  Haha, he'll never sleep there, you know nothing.  My kid never used a crib.  What, you're not co-sleeping?  Here are the thousands of reasons why you're doing things wrong and you haven't even given birth yet.  Whether they realized it or not, even if I was just feeling particularly sensitive that day, they crushed my joy of just having this tangible "thing" in our nursery.  Or rather, I let them crush my joy.  I'll never forget that, and how I should learn to just let that stuff roll off my back.
• Balance what people tell you with doing your own research and reading.  I'm a reader/researcher at heart, so I just kind of absorb it all right now.  It's kind of nice to sit quietly and read a book while I can and take or leave the advice in silence.
• You don't have to answer everyone's questions.  There are so many hot-button topics in the world of babies these days, from vaccinations to circumcision to diapering to feeding... sometimes it's best to just say, "My husband and I are keeping that to ourselves; we'll make the decision together."

• Give in to maternity clothes before you are willing to admit you need them.  I've observed some bragging where women are like, "Oh, I was able to wear my normal clothes my whole pregnancy!" or "I'm 8 months pregnant, and this shirt isn't even maternity!"  And so I felt this sort of pressure for a while to squeeze into my regular clothes so that I didn't have to admit that I was already wearing maternity clothes at X weeks pregnant.  But then I realized I was going to Arizona and Disney in August/September and needed some shorts for the hot weather, and I don't really own shorts.  So I bought maternity jorts (LOL), my first foray into maternity clothes, and I was like OMG WHY DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE TELL ME THIS STUFF IS THE SH*T, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN BUYING MATERNITY WAY SOONER!
• Maternity underwear is awesome sauce, y'all.  This is one place where I wish I'd gone sooner, because my regular undies were either constricting or rolling down as the belly grew.  I got these cotton undies from Amazon, in like XXXL because the sizing is for fairies or something, and I wear them EVERY DAY under the belly with glee.  Also, buy panty liners.  Just trust me, I'm not getting into it, just do it and surrender (see?  back to that number one bullet).
• Dresses and shirts you can often stretch into later trimesters, but pants are where you'll have to give in first.  I always recommend that you sit down in your non-maternity pants before leaving the house, especially for office girls like me, to make sure you aren't starting to feel constricted.  Once you start to feel constricted, it's time to cave in to the pants.  I've found I like leggings and ponte knit pants the best, because the denim and trouser type pants I've picked up tend to sag and need to be pulled up all the time, like you're wearing a d*mn tube top.

My grandmother insisted that I needed a rest during my sister's wedding reception.

• Invest in multi-tasking clothes and underwear to save money.  Maternity clothes, like everything related to weddings and babies, are relatively expensive.  So one thing I did was realize that I'd need some clothes that are work appropriate but also functional post-partum (i.e. breastfeeding and pumping).  When my bras started to feel uncomfortable/small, I bought nursing bras that would work for me post-partum and started wearing those.  Nobody knows (until you blog about it!) and you'll be able to use them beyond pregnancy.  (These nursing bras on Amazon are basically 3 for $20.)  I also only buy dresses and tops that friends confirm are going to work for nursing/pumping, i.e. cross-front tops.  I've been buying knit dresses and tops from a seamstress that have gone from pre-pregnancy to 3rd trimester, because her other customers have said they work for them.  The Pink Blush dresses I wore for my sister's wedding were designed to be worn pregnant or not, so those purchases definitely felt like investments versus a waste of money!

• Graciously accept hand-me-downs, but say no when you need to!  If you're lucky, your friends will hand down some freebies to you that will be useful.  A maternity winter coat was a really great thing to get, and we even got a free bouncer.  Sometimes the baby clothes won't fit your "vision" for how you'd shop for the baby yourself, but when you think about how much the kid just gonna barf on things (or worse) you realize you'll be happy to have some clean clothes to change him into that don't cost you anything.  Even though I don't really watch sports, and so much for little boys seems to be sports-related, my "Future MVP" is gonna wear that hand-me-down football onesie.
• I found that establishing my own personal rules for receiving used items was helpful.  For example, I don't accept hand-me-down "loans" where I have to keep track of who gave me what and get it back to them in shipshape.  You shouldn't have to waste precious Mommy brain cells figuring out which items are loaners and worry about them staining or breaking!  I also want the freedom to donate what I don't want to use or keep, without judgment.  I live in a two-bedroom apartment, so I just don't have space to keep it all.
• If you've got your hopes up that you'll get something new as a gift, just be honest and tactful with your friend.  You deserve new things too!  Maybe you really have your heart set on adorable crib sheets to fit your safari nursery theme, so you don't want your friend's nautical themed ones, no matter how much she insists you need them.  Just let her know that you believe you have some coming as a gift, and that you're grateful she offered.  It's your baby, your nursery, your call.

Oh, and this doesn't have anything to do with the above pregnancy tips, but I finally found a body pillow that works for me!  I'm a back sleeper, so transitioning to my side for sleeping was not fun at all.  I used one of those giant body pillows, but as I tossed and turned I found I just didn't get a good night's sleep with it at all.  During a business trip, I was piling pillows around me at the hotel, and I realized that I like having a sort of "hug" from pillows wedged under both my back and belly.  I found this pillow on Amazon that connects two wedges with adjustable fabric, and it has been PERFECT for me.  It's also much more portable, so I've been able to take it with me while traveling.  My sleep is soooo much better, and it doesn't shift when I switch sides in the middle of the night.  I have seen individual wedges sold, but not another one that connects like this.

So yeah, that's what's up in preggo world for me lately.

I can't wait to read this again someday and laugh!
It's like Ygritte in Game of Thrones saying, "You know nothing, Aubrey."

Sometimes, trying to get pregnant sucks.

I'm six months pregnant.  I know I've mentioned here on the blog before that we were hoping to get pregnant, but I haven't written much about this pregnancy itself.  Pregnancy is the main reason I haven't posted as much as usual since the July timeframe, mostly because I was nauseous for 19 weeks!

Don't worry about me.  I'm happy.  I'm excited.  It's starting to feel real.  But it wasn't always this baby bliss feeling.

11 weeks

I had a plan.  That plan was to be pregnant, like, in fall 2015, right after we got married.  That's when I went off birth control and we were in that newlywed phase of "let's see what happens" and figuring that within about 6 months or so we'd probably get knocked up.

For my entire adulthood, I was really good at not getting pregnant.  I'd never been pregnant before, not once.  Consequently, that meant I didn't know if I could!  But then I got to my 30s and actually wanted to get pregnant, and every monthly visit from "Aunt Flo" felt like a failure.

Sometimes, trying to get pregnant sucks.  I chalk up my feelings on the subject to three key mistakes.

Mistake #1:  Thinking you can plan a baby.
Honestly, whether you get pregnant when you plan to or not, there's no truly perfect time to have a baby.  My world is going to be rocked when this little dude shows up!  I just don't think you can Type A the heck out of this and make it happen exactly when you want it to.  It puts too much pressure and expectation on you and your partner, and it's just not really realistic.  Rookie thinking.

Mistake #2:  Telling people you're trying to have a baby.
The earlier you tell people, the more time they have to give you unsolicited and conflicting advice.  And sometimes, that advice lacks tact.  When people would ask us when we were starting a family, I often wouldn't tell them proactively that we were trying, just that we hoped it would happen soon or we would welcome it as soon as it happens... vague things like that.   But it still opened the can of worms.

I got multiple reminders/hints/suggestions that my "reason" for not conceiving was being overweight.  (Got it, thanks, now let me go crawl into a hole to eat my feelings.  None of them were doctors, BTW.)  Or they told me to eat more kale.  Or they told me to have sex every day, have sex every other day NOT every day, or some kind of weird sex scheduling that my iCal would blush over.  I swear some of my friends figured out my menstrual cycle and would text me to see if my period came... true story, and I love them, but sometimes it stung.

Sometimes you get good advice too, like tracking basal body temperature, using apps, and checking cervical mucus (more on that in Mistake #3), but then there are others who will say, "Don't stress over stuff like that, tracking will only make it worse, don't track those things!"  See?  Conflicting advice!

Honestly, everyone believes their personal or anecdotal experience is gospel, like they're all experts because they've had a kid or know someone who has...  and it's just frustrating when you're not in the mood or mindset to take it with a grain of salt.  So don't tell people you're trying, unless you're okay with this happening.

Mistake #3:  Thinking you can do XYZ to conceive a baby.
I tried massage and acupuncture.  I'm terrified of needles, so acupuncture was OMFG scary.  Like 35 needles head to toe, 3-4 times per menstrual/ovulation cycle.  Woof.

I gave up almost all caffeine and alcohol.  I worked out.  I used apps to track things.  I tracked my temperature (I suck at that!).  I tracked cervical mucus.  (Gross.)  I tracked every single thing.  I peed on so many ovulation predictor thingys.

We got tested by doctors after a year of trying.  Dan, too.  I had an ultrasound (with the wand thingy, all up in my biz) and then this HSG radiology test that HURT LIKE A MFer (they insert a catheter and run contrast through your tubes to check for blockages).  Everything on me checked out; I was fit as a fiddle to get knocked up.  After about 18 months of trying to conceive, we scheduled a fertility consult appointment.  We both decided we were willing to give fertility meds and IUI a shot, but that we'd likely draw the line at IVF and focus on adoption after that, for personal reasons.

And then I got pregnant in June, and we cancelled the appointment.  Because that's how the universe works sometimes, y'all!

This whole journey cost us over $2000 out of pocket for medical, acupuncture, massage, ovulation predictor kits, and other expenses.  That's nothing compared to what people pay once you actually get into fertility treatments, but it is a dent considering it was what we spent BEFORE a fertility consult.

20 weeks

So now that I'm pregnant...
I think that our journey to pregnancy taught me a lot.  It taught me to have the most sympathy and empathy ever for those who struggle to conceive.  18 months is not a long time compared to the journey many couples have had and continue to have.  I feel so fortunate to have gotten pregnant, though honestly I think the pre-pregnancy struggle kind of quashed my initial enthusiasm for a while.  I think for about 12 weeks I would tell Dan, "Don't get too excited, it might not stick."  I didn't let myself look at baby things.  I didn't share "bump" photos for a long time.  I just didn't let myself feel too much joy because I was feeling too much fear that if I wanted it too much, it would slip away.  Even at 25 weeks, sometimes I worry it could slip away, but I have to just accept that what will be, will be.

Our journey taught me not to overshare (hence why I haven't posted here about it much), but to instead talk to a handful of close friends and crowdsource on more mundane things.  People give me their opinions all the time, whether I want them or not, but my attitude is that I don't have to listen to them or let it give me anxiety.

Sometimes, it does get to me... but then there's my favorite example of my friend asking me if she could give me some advice after looking at my baby registry.  I told her that I would receive her advice happily so long as she didn't care whether I listened to it or not.  And she totally got it.  I did make some changes based on her advice, but not everything.  I wish everyone approached giving baby/parenting advice in that way, understanding that my choice to ignore your advice is not a judgment of your own choices!

One thing that really helped during our journey?  I talked to a therapist every week, via Talkspace.  We talked about my anxiety over not getting pregnant, how to have productive conversations with Dan about everything, how to be a good partner and comfort each other during this trial.  This is the #1 best thing I did.  I went from 5 days a week texting plus a monthly video chat, to 5 days a week texting, to a few times a week, now down to once a week.  And if I get stressed out once baby comes, I'll increase it for my sanity.

If you're out there trying to get pregnant, I feel for you!  It's just not as easy as some make it look.  Sometimes, it just sucks.  But you're not alone, and it doesn't always help when people tell you things like "everything happens for a reason" or whatever.  You just have to embrace the suck, the best way you can.